Achieving Some Degree of Happiness

 

Seriously Gorgeous Charlie in a 
new bath robe

 I have been struck by the recent transformation of an acquaintance who has seemed to be perennially unhappy. She is autistic I think, and rather prone to unwise outbursts of opinion which would have been better left unsaid. She has upset fellow players in a games group, in a row over her imaginary, offended interpretation of harmless remarks, lightly made by others, with no intended criticism implied. She has lost touch with her children and from occasional remarks she makes, has clearly had a difficult and often sad life with failed relationships and uncomfortable, often angry, situations which have not been resolved. In addition, she has serious health issues and probably, insufficient income. I paint a sad picture and yet, this same woman is constantly helping others in kind and different ways and is often generous to others. She arranges little celebrations for the group and is careful to include everyone. But she told me recently that she awoke every day feeling unhappy, not looking forward to the day ahead and had nothing good about her life.

But there has been a transformation wrought. She has bought a most delightful, friendly, loving little dog who is young and appears to treat her as his most precious person!! He pines if she disappears temporarily; he worships at her altar with unwavering devotion and zeal and constantly reinforces the impression of her huge value to him. They give each other unconditional love. It does not take a psychologist to recognise the cause of her changed attitude and confidence; she is happy, appreciated uncritically and happily self-confident. The simplicity of this remedy belies its effectiveness in this case; perhaps a little too early to pass on this information to NHS staff and one can spot possible downsides like untimely death of afore-mentioned puppy etc.

However, the whole experience has caused me [again!] to ponder the mysterious but greatly valued state of happiness. A state of constant elation is neither desirable nor probably attainable nor is it indicative of psychological good health. We all experience negative events and feelings, but alongside these, we need a counter balance of positive experiences and feelings. I want ‘a good life’, that is, to live a fulfilled life, with rewarding relationships, recognition of my strong attributes and success in, at least, some endeavours. I need to feel good about myself first then want to show tolerance and give assistance and attention to others I meet. Not in grand gestures generally but in quotididien, small-scale yet life-affirming ways of being a better friend or neighbour.

I notice that, almost every day, I wake up happy, looking forward to the day. It has been like that for a long time and seems to be a product of my personality, but I am now noticing that, with the frailty of ageing, comes the reduced ability to be occupied in the various activities which generate pleasure and interest, particularly intellectual interest. The result of that is in increased time alone. And there’s the rub.
One has to work a little harder to find interests in the home or office, between visits to talks, films, discussions, because the demands of outside interests, activities, meetings, can gradually outstrip the available energy to attend them and so reduce participation. So, effort and determination are needed!

However, the degree of happiness any person experiences or generates, is within that person’s power to change through how he chooses to act and think. There are happiness-inducing activities and attitudes which happy people do or have, naturally, some of which any person can decide to add to his own repertoire. The following list is not prescriptive nor is it necessary to try to Do It All.

1. Cultivate optimism. The hardest perhaps to manage but the most worthwhile. Practice is required, i.e. hard work, and as much self-belief as can be gathered or visualised.

2. Express genuine gratitude to others for even the smallest remarks, deeds, kindnesses. Recognising the generosity of others gives real pleasure to the recipient and encourages altruistic behaviour in everyone.

3. Practice acts of targeted kindnesses and also random acts of thoughtfulness. This encourages the attention to move beyond oneself and to centre however briefly, on others.

4

. Do not obsess however on what others think of you, or do to you; behaviour towards you which you find upsetting or annoying, can be considered as objectively as possible. Negative events and opinions can make us stronger. Learn to forgive and forget.

5. Cultivate friends; join clubs or activities through which others with similar interests can be found and friendships develop. Make time for friends you already have and give them love and support.

6. Make efforts to truly appreciate things you do every day, like the usual lunch; a walk in the park; a regular activity like shopping. It is too easy to repetitively do the daily mundane chores or activities without consciously appreciating aspects of them, or others, involved. Look for connections with others, however fleeting. I have become a friend of a young man, half my age, who sells tribal rugs on Bury Market. We have a shared interest, though his is much more professional and informed than mine but we have a connection. That is very important to older people particularly and I look forward to our weekly chat.

                   

7. Find joy in spiritual areas like art, culture, religion. This nurtures the inner ‘you’ and contributes to your being a more interesting person to meet. It also generates positive self-feelings.

8. Physical exercise. This sounds formidable but there are degrees! I now only walk regularly and early in the day, for perhaps 30-40 minutes. But I do it every day! In earlier years, I swam for half an hour, early in the day, every day, for instance and walked for an hour most days.

9. Mental exercise. This list is long! Play games; do Su

 Maybe a walk in the park

doku or crosswords; do emails on a laptop or research a word, a meaning, aspects of daily news; organise; volunteer if you can; join clubs like book clubs etc; read every day. The list is endless. Composing this blog takes a lot of thought and mental effort to accomplish and each time I do it, I encounter positive feelings after often arduous mental verbal searching and sorting! The fact that few people read it, is not important to me; the important goal is in the composition and the satisfaction experienced, post-publication!

Post Script Comment.

The person in the first paragraph has, in fact, found a friend perfect for her; her self-esteem is nourished; she wakes up happy, looking forward to her day; she is other-centred; she attracts much positive attention with her cute little friend.